Love Without Solutions: The Power of Not Fixing

Painful lessons I've learned so far...

“Mom! I just need you to listen!” How many of us parents have heard a version of this pushback when we try to fix our child’s problems? My daughter was going through a particularly rough patch in adolescence - which is a rough time of life anyway. Apparently though, my suggestions of ways to make things better - or even just different - was not what she wanted to hear.

“I just need you to listen!”

Sky’s ability to clearly state what she needs - when she needs it - pain in the ass though it may be at times, is one I’ve come to appreciate, along with the lesson I learned from her that day.

Love does not necessarily mean fixing whatever problem afflicts our beloved. Often, to love someone is simply to honor their experience - and to honor is to listen. Besides, whose pain was I fixing anyway- hers in going through it? Or mine in witnessing my kid in pain? Once I shut up and calmed down, I could be more present with her. And by not fixing, I could reinforce my faith in her ability to endure the pitfalls of young adulthood…without unsolicited advice from me.

Another lesson learned that day had to do with the 3H - Head, Heart & Hands listening model I was working on during that time, and that became the framework for my book “Head, Heart & Hands Listening in Coach Practice”. I thought I was primarily a Heart listener - I’m empathetic and skilled at reading between the lines. But that experience with Sky made me understand that I often default to the problem-solving focus of Hands listening. This is not necessarily a negative, but it just wasn’t what my daughter needed at that time. She needed Heart centered listening.

If you find yourself in these kinds of frustrating exchanges, where the “fix” you want to offer is not what your loved one feels they need - the 3H model can provide some steps forward.

• Head: Let go of the belief that loving help equals advice.

• Heart: Offer empathy rather than expertise.

• Hands: Say, “I’m here with you,” and mean it.

Love Note #4: You Don’t Have to Solve This

Love listens without reaching for answers.
It trusts that being witnessed is sometimes the most healing response.

And finally, I’m going to share a humorous take on the “Hands/Heart” listening dance: Go into your Valentine’s week with a smile on your face and joy in your heart!

“It’s Not About the Nail!”