Saying the Hard Thing: Daring can be Caring

We've built an entire vocabulary for avoiding the hard thing

(Photo by Vitaly Garieve for Unsplash)

‘I don’t want to hurt them.’ ‘It’s not my place.’ ‘They’re not ready to hear it.’ Meanwhile, the thing that needs saying sits there, quietly costing everyone.

Several years ago, I was an Outreach Coordinator for a local nonprofit. The board had hired a new ED a few months prior, and I had gotten to know and admire “Steve” - his commitment, his focus, his determination to make our organization more economically sustainable.

However, as the only male in an all-female workplace - he was up against a particular kind of passive-aggression he had not encountered before. And his background in growing a successful fast food franchise in the midwest had not prepared him for a working culture that nodded their heads, shuffled out of meetings, and then largely went back to exactly what they were doing in exactly the same way they’d been doing it.

Steve finally decided that the answer to this inertia was to hire some “new blood” for new administrative positions. The board had allocated funds for this, and so he began what he clearly hoped would be a quick round of interviews and hirings.

I watched all of this activity with growing alarm. And not for the reasons you might expect: job loss, culture change, etc. I was increasingly worried about the impact on our workplace of a rapid hiring process that resulted in hasty offers and questionable hires. Steve seemed to take people’s experience at face-value, without considering their actual suitability to the position, our mission, or to our very particular working culture.

But did I say anything?

I did not. My excuse was “It’s not my place” as if someone with Steve’s business experience must, of course, know what he’s doing. Right? Meanwhile, these newcomers proceeded to drop out, flame out, and in one case, even hijack funds that were vital to our community organizing. Eventually, Steve himself gave up the position and, while his replacement proved to be a more suitable leader for us - I always felt like I should have told Steve the truth of what I was seeing.

Why We Dress Avoidance as Consideration

I’ve since come to learn that there’s a difference between ‘I’m protecting them’ and ‘I’m protecting myself from their reaction.’ Most of us, if we’re honest, are doing the latter. If I had explored the gap between the story I told myself about why I chose to stay quiet and the actual mechanics of this avoidance - I might have gained some useful and use-able insights.

What Changes When You Say It

The relationship gets a floor. Both people know where they actually stand. The air clears. Sometimes things get harder before they get easier - but the alternative is a slow drift toward distance. The hard thing, said well, is often the thing that saves the relationship or the working team. Daring can be Caring.

Building the Capacity to Say It

You don’t start with the hardest conversation of your life. You build the capacity in lower-stakes moments. Practice noticing when you’re suppressing something true. Practice saying it in smaller ways. And work with your inner critic - find out which Saboteur is running the silence, and learn to argue with it.

What hard thing have you been sitting on? What has your silence been costing the relationship?

If you know, like I do, that you have an “Avoider” or a “Pleaser” in your Saboteur line-up, chances are they are making it very hard to speak hard but necessary truths. Sign up here for a Discovery chat and let’s come up with a strategy!