Unmasking the "Pleaser"

There's a significant downside to being "needed"

Who told us that being needed meant we were good people? Who gave us the idea that saying “no” would result in hurt feelings, lost friendships and “un-belonging”? Who drilled into us the message that defending the boundaries around our time, our focus, our energy meant we were “selfish” and therefore, NOT good people?

As women we know the answer: family dynamics, cultural messaging and workplace assumptions that equate a person’s value with how much they are willing to do for others, over and over, rinse and repeat.

Boundaries get framed as rejection or punishment. But a boundary is actually a clear description of what we can offer honestly - versus what we would give resentfully, incompletely, and at cost to our own integrity. Boundaries are essential to showing up with authenticity. Boundaries are essential to forming true and valued friendships.

When you have no limits, after awhile, people start to feel they can’t trust what you say yes to. The classic “Pleaser’ is difficult to read in terms of genuine vs. performed availability. Real kindness requires that people know where you actually stand.

As a reformed “Pleaser”, I also know that when I’d hit my limit on what I could do for other people, and yet felt compelled to take on more, sometimes the resentment in me built to the point of explosion with loved ones…and then everyone gets to feel badly all around.

Setting boundaries doesn’t have to be “mean”. “It’s not “Nope - I’m not doing that because it violates my boundaries” it’s more like “I can’t give this the time it deserves right now”, or just a simple “I’m sorry, that doesn’t work for me.”.

Here’s a few more strategies gathered by Kate Daniel of “Nice News” that, with some practice, will get you more comfortable with setting and keeping boundaries - as well as your sanity!

Define Your Priorities Before you can hold a boundary, you need to know what you’re protecting. Get clear on what you actually want to spend your time and energy doing - your values, your focus, what matters most in this season of your life. Boundaries without that clarity are just reactions. With it, they become choices.

Buy Yourself Time People-pleasing often runs on autopilot. The moment someone makes a request, the yes is already forming before you’ve had a chance to check in with yourself. Slowing that down is a skill. Something as simple as let me get back to you gives you room to assess the cost of this “yes” to your energy, as well as your actual willingness, and whether you genuinely want to show up.

Get Comfortable With Discomfort People-pleasers are often wired to soothe tension the moment it appears. Building the capacity to sit with discomfort - without immediately resolving it - is how the nervous system learns that it can survive an awkward pause. When the feeling rises, slow the body down. A few steady breaths. Notice your feet on the ground. Remind yourself: this is uncomfortable, and I’m still okay.

Expect Guilt and Stay Anyway When you’re new to boundaries, guilt shows up almost every time. That doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong - it usually means you’ve done something different. Guilt in this context is just a signal that you’re breaking an old pattern. The useful question isn’t am I a bad person? It’s am I being unkind, or am I just being honest? Meeting that guilt with self-compassion rather than self-judgment is what makes it possible to stay grounded without backing down.

Start Small Like with any new behavior, practice builds skill. Start small with low-stakes situations: send back a dish at the restaurant. Return an unsatisfying purchase and be clear but polite about why you are returning it. Disagree with a friend about something neutral like a book or a movie.

Closing thought: Name a boundary you’ve been delaying because you didn’t want to seem unkind. What would it look like to offer it as an act of care instead of a withdrawal?

Are you a classic “Pleaser”? Let’s talk about how to soften that habit and the saboteurs that promote it! Sign up for a quick Discovery zoom here.